Dear Santa
- Details
- Published on Wednesday, 15 December 2010 15:19
- Written by Chase McGee
The season of proffering joy by means of plastic breakables and grandma-knit sweaters is upon us. It is during this time we reflect upon the year to rejoice in its merriment while basking in the glow of love emanating from family togetherness. The children sit at the window straining their ears for the faintest jingle of sleigh bells and eagerly await the red-suited, gentle giant with his bag full of goodies. This year, with my future in jeopardy as a different type of red shrouds the halls of Congress, I decided to exploit that youthful innocence for its persuasive power. Below is a letter to Santa I found which was written by nine year old, Chad McGarrity, a boy with whom I have absolutely no association.
Dear Santa,
My name is Chad McGarrity, I am nine years old and I go to Millard Fillmore Elementary. I have been very good this year and my mom said I should write you a letter asking you for things I would like for Christmas. I know last year I asked for Modern Warfare 2 and you really came through for me on that one, so I'm hoping these requests aren't too hard for you. I would like to get a new XBox Kinect, but I kept thinking about how I need to throw a Hail Mary for one Christmas, and since I have a few good years for present profitability, I might as well give the whole "good for mankind" thing a shot.
First, I want to help my friend Justin. Justin has two dads. I like to go over to his house and play Halo (maybe for future Christmases you can find me a spot in a gaming addiction clinic?) and eat homemade Chex Mix that Randy, one of his Dad's, makes. I once saw that Randy didn't wear a ring, something I know Mom used to wear before she caught Dad with what I'm pretty she referred to as a "twenty-three year old filthy, horse." I didn't know my dad's secretary was a horse, but that's for another letter. Anyway, back to my original point, when I asked Randy about not having a ring, he said that people in Washington weren't happy with the idea of Barry (Justin's other dad) and him getting married. I don't know anybody in Washington, but it's hard for me to like them when they're telling two people who obviously love each other, they can't get married. I don't even like being told that I can't stay up an extra ten minutes to finish the Spongebob marathon. I can't imagine what it's like being told that you can't have your love sanctioned by society. Do you think you could talk to those guys in Washington and tell them to chill out?
I want to help my Dad, too. He seemed kind of upset recently, I think partially because that "two-bit horse" left him. I don't know what the deal is with that horse, but I'm going off topic again. I think the bigger reason is that Dad thinks the guy I always see on TV, you know, the one who replaced the guy who made up words and facts used to be, has no balls. Can we get him some balls, Santa? I have plenty of my own! My friends and I are always playing baseball or basketball or soccer. I'm willing to share if it will make my Dad happy. He said that the guy kind of let down the people that supported him and didn't get much for it in return. Dad said that if the guy had any balls, he would have stood up to the other guys who were out to keep the people like the Mason's, the family at the end of the street, in those newly leased BMW's while the rest of us are still paying off our Daewoo's. Did somebody steal his balls? Or did he never have any in the first place? Imagine… going throughout your life with no balls. C'mon, Santa!
The last thing on my list is kind of a present to my little brother. I have never heard him cry more than when we're watching TV and that really loud lady from Alaska comes on. My brother doesn't cry much, he only cries when he sees clowns and when he senses someone's about to do something stupid (kind of a lucky talent.) If he cries twice as hard as when he sees one of these things when he sees her, does that mean she's, like, a combination of the two? A clown always about to say or do something stupid? I think it would be best for everyone if you could just make her go away, Santa. Please.
I narrowed down the list from about ten things to three, because I know you're only one guy, and I haven't been good enough for you to take time out of your schedule to rout terrorism or to stop the TSA from getting too friendly with weary travelers. If you have time, maybe you could extend my gift to Justin into the military. Apparently, men who are trained to kill other men are also extremely sensitive? Anyway, thanks a lot, Santa. I know your gifts will help a lot of people. If I'm asking too much, I guess I'll settle for a Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time.
Best,
